Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
