i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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