Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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