i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
