Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
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