Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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