It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
