1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
