He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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