Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
