i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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