just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
