i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
