Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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