so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize