Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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