I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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