my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
