If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
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