Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
