You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
