If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
