did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Sober January is a disaster.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
