I'm pants shitting drunk right now
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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