you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
