Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
