I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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