there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
