I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
