checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
she smelled like a LAN party
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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