So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
