what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
