the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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