just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
