Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
And the cops told us we were all naked.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
