I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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