is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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