The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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