I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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