You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
