I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
