I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
