Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
