i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
