I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Randomize
