youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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