does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
so much tequila, so little girl.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
