I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
