Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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