i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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