pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
