I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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