sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
