Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
