This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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