Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Is it because I queefed?
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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