Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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