Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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