when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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