He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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